


Thanatophobia

by LeDiz



Series: The 48: NCIS [6]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Also Worse, Fiction is better than reality, Gen, Season 5-ish, Tim's books, Writer's process
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 03:05:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8828020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeDiz/pseuds/LeDiz
Summary: They didn't have traditions about death, because no one wanted to admit it happened often enough to have them.





	

_“When did we start having traditions about funerals?”_

The moment his finger tapped the quotation key for the second time, Tim stopped, and then stared at what he had written. He frowned as he leaned forward to pull it from his typewriter, then sat back to stare at the paper in his hands.

Despite his (admittedly) stereotyped characterisations of his co-workers, and whatever Tony might say about the motivations of his villains, Tim didn’t really like veering from realism all that much.

_“When did we start having traditions about funerals?”_

He didn’t know anyone who had traditions about funerals. Yes, he had been to a few more since he’d started with NCIS (Pacci, Kate, Jim, Cassidy, Director Shepard), but they didn’t…

You didn’t want to. Even if things became familiar, you didn’t comment on them. It would be like… it would be like admitting that you had done this before, and… and even though they had, no one wanted to _know_ that they’d been to a friend’s funeral before.

_“When did we start having traditions about funerals?”_

The words taunted him from the page. He almost hated them a little. They were too jovial; too light-hearted.

They felt cheap.

Granted, they were from the mouth of Agent Tommy, and everything was cheap when it came from his mouth, but…

When Agent Pacci died, he could remember a harsher tone in Tony’s voice… one he’d stopped noticing these days. At the time, though, it had scared him a little… the way Tony’s words had been that half a beat faster than usual; the lower pitch; the set of his mouth. Tony had joked as normal, but it had been faster, harder – not intended to be funny. The silent ‘ta-dah’ that usually finished his jokes wasn’t there.

Tim had commented on the mourning band Tony had placed over his badge – just saying it was a nice touch. Tony had given him a long, even look before saying, “It’s what you _do_ , kid.”

You, not we. A tradition, yes… but he would never make it personal. Not when he was putting the band on there.

_“When did we start having traditions about funerals?”_

He read back over the scene in full, considering the book as a whole and this scene’s place within it.

It fit.

The line fit with the scene. It fit with Tommy. Lisa would roll her eyes and keep moving. McGregor would smile weakly. Amy would have her own pithy response. Tibbs would probably shove Tommy’s shoulder and keep walking. It was a good start to the end of the funeral chapter. Lightening the tension before they could go back to the case.

For the first time, Tim started to understand why Tony hated his character so much.

In real life, you didn’t say stuff like that about funerals. You didn’t let yourself think of them as common, or just another fact of life.

It was one of the many things that caused problems between Ziva and the rest of the team. One of the problems that was causing problems between Ziva and herself, lately, come to think of it. She liked to pretend that death didn’t bother her. That burying a friend was just part of the job.

But not even Ziva confessed to traditions about funerals.

Gibbs probably came closest, when he said he ‘didn’t speak at funerals’. He didn’t talk about funerals, full stop. Even when someone close to him died, he would talk about their deaths, the case surrounding it, they themselves as a person, but never the funeral.

_“When did we start having traditions about funerals?”_

In real life, no one would ever say something like that.

Really, he knew, if he was going to keep to any sense of realism, he should take it out.

_“When did we start having traditions about funerals?”_

It cheapened it. Everything about it cheapened everything it was about.

You couldn’t have traditions about funerals, because that would make funerals common. The death of a friend, the… the end of that life. It had to hurt fresh every time. It had to be a new, painful experience every time.

Something like a tradition about funerals made it all seem so cheap. So callous. So… so unreal.

Death was just that little bit too real.

_“When did we start having traditions about funerals?”_

For a long time, Tim just stared at the words.

Then he put the page back into his type writer, wound it through to the next line, and kept writing.

**Author's Note:**

> The 48 are a collection of unfinished and/or pointless fics saved to my hard drive, now posted on Ao3 for people's interest or in case they want to adopt them.
> 
> I remember really liking the episode when Pacci died, because of how everyone responded to it. It rung true to me.  
> What we heard of McGee's novels didn't. There's a poetry in that.


End file.
